Foreign Instincts

instincts /ĭn′stĭngkt″/

Plural form of instinct

noun

1. An inborn pattern of behavior that is characteristic of a species and is often a response to specific environmental stimuli.

2. A powerful motivation or impulse.

3. An innate capability or aptitude.

Instincts, no matter how humans attempt to distance themselves from them, are an integral part of being. The human instinct to be social, to hunt and forage, to run from danger to care, all of these are inborn traits we carry with us through our very DNA, keeping us functioning as social animals. These instincts are hardwired into us, widely only lacking in very specific and clinically significant circumstances, and even then they still tend to exist in some capacity. Given this, how do we as people deal with instincts foreign to humanity?

For those not in the know, I am alterhuman, specifically otherkin, someone who is physically human but identifies in someway as inhuman/nonhuman, typically as an animal. In my specific case, I identify as spiritually nonhuman because I believe in reincarnation- that because I was different nonhuman animals in past lives, my soul is inherently nonhuman and that those past lives can effect the way I experience my current life. The most notable kintypes (nonhuman identities) to me in this context would be my lives as a deer, a cat, a fae and a satyr. Two terrestrial animals, and two mythical creatures.

It comes to no ones surprise that deer, cats, fae and satyr have very different instincts then humans. Certainly, they are all social animals, they all need to eat and drink and procreate and none of them tend to seek out danger, but those are all very core behaviors to staying alive. Nothing to write home about. Many otherkin awaken by realizing their behavior fits certain animals better then it does humans and researching why that might be. I know that as a child, I often questioned my humanity, finding my behaviors alien and unlike the people and children around me. Now, part of this was absolutely just be being autistic, but I truly believe that part of it was because a part of my mind just isn’t human.

I would make strange noises instead of speaking (something I now associate with my satyr kintype), much preferred parallel play to actively interacting with my peers (both an autistic and cat trait) and when I did play, it was often play violence (both cat and satyr). I froze at sudden, scary things, stared wide eyes and on my tiptoes (cat and deer). I was extremely tactile with those I felt closest too and would follow them everywhere during the day, just to be around them and get loudly upset when I couldn’t do so (cat).

I often felt older, or like I aged differently then my peers (both a fae trait, see the myths of changeling children, and a trauma response), and would react to things in strange ways, often finding things others saw as disturbing or inappropriate as funny and entertaining while finding small normal human things deeply strange and upsetting (another fae thing). These behaviors weren’t the only reasons I decided I was otherkin, but they helped point me in the right direction as to what my past lives were (along with years of meditation).

Now, as an adult, I still experience these behaviors, but I’m more normative about it. I generally understand what normal human reactions are to things and can meter my behavior to fit them. I have taken my instincts, both human and nonhuman forced them to fit in with average, normative human behaviors. This kind of masking isn’t uncommon, both in otherkin and other people with nonnormative behavior, like autistic people. It’s not uncommon, but it does bring up a question of sorts.

In the autistic community, unmasking (stopping yourself from changing your behavior to fit in with neurotypicals) is a very popular concept, and many popular autistic influencers talk about their experiences unmasking and promote unmasking to others to normalize neuroatypical behavior and mannerisms, rightfully so. My question, then, is how can unmasking apply to alterhumans and unhuman behaviors.

Somethings can easily be played off as personal oddities: freezing in fear, laughing at strange times, making strange noises. But how does one explain their deeply ingrained need to freeze at bright lights, to fight your loved ones, to drink until you’re sick, to hiss and yeowl when frightened, to run or walk on all fours? Even just the need to wag my tail or tilt my head a certain way. These are all things I do, or feel the need to do when it comes to drinking, on a regular basis. How do I explain my inhuman behavior? Can they be normalized?

Nonhuman behavior in humans is often a point of mockery- take Naia Okami (the ‘on all levels except physical, I am a wolf’ lady) who took part in an ill throught documentary where she barked and howled that turned her into an infamous meme to this day. Or the wearing of collars, tails and animal ears in public which is consistently mocked and sexualized, even for minors. Some of these things are becoming more normal just from exposure and becoming ‘fashion’, but people still get relentlessly locked for them.

Even worse, nonhuman behavior is often strawmanned for right wing arguments- like the many politicians who have spread lies about “furry” or “transspecies” children using litter boxes at school because they identify as animals, something which has never and likely will never happen. It makes the very prospect of nonhuman behavior a political tool for those that wish to annihilate us and those we care for.

With this in mind, the danger faced in our personal lives through in person harrasment, out online lives through the risk of becoming the hot new lolcow to make fun of or event he chance of becoming an example photo for republican pundits to talk about everything wrong with america, how am I supposed to advocate for unmasking? If things are so awful, why would I bother advocating some something with such a skewed risk reward?

Well, I don’t know. I don’t know why the risk of alienation and lolcowdom isn’t enough to make me stop. I don’t know why, in the split seccond between urge and action, I don’t think better of myself before meowing, running, freezing. These are behaviors ingrained into my soul, it hurts to not do them or to ignore the instinct. And I don’t like pain. So maybe that’s why.

I’m just one cat, just one deer, fae, satyr, man. I don’t have all the answers, just one man’s experiences to run off of and make decisions because of. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully unmask or if I’ll stay in this half beast, half man state, but I know I can never get rid of my instincts, foreign or not. And I don’t want to. I just want to live in a way that I can be comfortable with myself and my behaviors.

This might not be a satisfying end to an essay, the whole not having the answers thing, but hopefully, otherkin or not, you, the reader will have thought about this issue and how you would solve it, how you would behave in your very instincts set you apart from the people around you. What would you decide?